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What if I did and the police came and something was missing? I checked my emails and found one from the legal department warning me not to do just that. Leave it up to the police. It was not our job. I wasn’t sure if the rest of my staff was aware so I forwarded it to everyone who was there that morning. ‘Did you hear about Jeff?’ whispered another as she came by. ‘He caught the bus on Saturday.’ I could not hold back my slight laugh. ‘It’s not funny!’ she chided me. ‘Now I’ll have to train another.’ ‘First of all, I’m laughing at the euphemism. I mean there haven’t been buses in ten, fifteen years, at least not public transit buses like when I was growing up.’ No, there hadn’t been any public transit in a long, long time. The Tea Party, no make that The Party, had seen to that. Everything and anything that government did had been cut back or cut out. ‘Secondly, no you won’t be training anyone. You barely know how to log into the computer system. I think we’re probably over staffed. Most everybody else seems to be able to cope. What’s wrong with me? God but it hurts. I glance up at the sky. Huge, dark cumulus clouds block the sun and promise yet another day of relentless rain. The ducks don’t mind at all but the threatening weather just adds to my despair. How fitting. Gun-metal gray day. Wish I had a gun. Well, fine then. Let it rain. Forever. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Something to wash away the tears so no-one will notice. But it won’t take away the fucking cold. It’s too damn fucking cold for September. Even the weather is against me. Thanks, God. That’s really kind of you! Fuck it. At what stage of grief am I right now? What did I read about that once? Oh yeah, five stages… something about denial, then followed by anger. I guess I’m at anger. Mad at me. Mad at Peg. Mad at God. Especially mad at God. Why me? And where the hell are you now anyway God? The funeral kinda took care of denial. Not much choice in that one. Oh shit, next comes depression. I’m not.
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